How reading a stranger’s diary taught me more than a self-help seminar ever could
Wisdom gold mine
Ever since I can remember I’ve been interested in psychology, self-help books, therapy, astrology, affirmations, journaling—pretty much anything related to personal growth and development.
So, you can imagine my delight when I cracked open a black journal from the year 2000 and found ample motivational and self-help material.
This journal is also extra special since it came to the American Diary Project from a man who is still among the living, as of December 2022. I’ll keep his identity concealed as much as possible in order to protect his privacy.
After reviewing it in its entirety, I can see that about 75% of the journal relates to personal growth and success. There are coursework notes from Dr. John Demartini and Tony Robbins seminars and even prosperity teachings from Charles Fillmore.
Self-help circa a stranger’s diary
The journal reads like many of us felt in the early 2000s: a college student on the precipice of adulthood, gathering knowledge and grappling with some of life’s biggest questions, all while trying to chart a course for a happy and fulfilling life.
While there are many nuggets of wisdom to choose from, here are three of my favorite themes that emerged from this New York journal.
1. Evaluate what’s motivating your behavior
One of the key foundations of personal development is the practice of digging into the why behind your behavior, aka your motivation. Our diarist noted that there are “two major driving forces that influence people’s behavior: the desire to avoid pain and the desire to gain pleasure.”
While life can’t always be simplified down into either pain avoidance or pleasure seeking, I certainly recognize many times in my own journey where these two forces have subconsciously driven my behavior.
Now, if you want to change your behavior, our diarist has one helpful tip. “Link the feeling of getting pleasure with something new that you want to do.”
For example, if you want to be more active and you love coffee, link the two together by walking to your favorite coffee shop. This will require patience, though, as now it will take longer to get the coffee that you want.
When you’re struggling, keep in mind that “long-term vision is soul-built, while immediate gratification is sensory.” And learn to question the impact of your actions. “What are the consequences of the present associations in my life? Are they taking me farther away from or closer to my goals?”
Keep in mind that no one is perfect. You’re bound to slip up, give in, and experience setbacks. This is completely normal. In one of my favorite passages, our diarist admitted, “Today I spent my day, on the whole, hedonistically.” He didn’t scold or admonish himself for this fact. He simply noted it and learned from it for the future.
2. Monitor your emotions to manage them
Halfway through the journal, I was excited to see our diarist discuss the concept of monitoring his emotions, as this is something that I have also found incredibly helpful in my personal journey.
“One must monitor their emotional state of mind constantly in order to achieve results.” Our diarist scores his mood on a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 = feeling low and 10 = feeling unstoppable. He writes of feeling like a 5, but that perhaps weight training could bump that to a 7-9.
Psychologist Adam Grant once wrote that “wisdom doesn’t come from experience. It comes from reflecting on experience.”
In addition to scoring his emotions, our diarist also analyzes his own behavior. After an unpleasant experience with a computer repair company, he reflects on what he learned and what he could do differently next time, showing high levels of self-awareness.
Ultimately, monitoring your emotions is a tool for getting to know yourself and building your emotional intelligence. “Learn to manage your emotional state of mind. If you don’t, imagine what it may cost you.”
3. Question your beliefs and practice gratitude
Much of what we come to believe in adulthood is actually lingering childhood impressions or inherited beliefs.
By examining his thoughts, our diarist concluded that “I’ve set very high-standard beliefs and values (which aren’t mine) which I believe are not actually aiding me but hurting me.”
Stopping to question and recalibrate your current belief system can be a great way to ensure you’re living from values set by you and no one else. This exercise helped our diarist land on a new measure of success for himself: “As long as you focus on goals and enjoy the process, you are successful.”
This shift also appears to have helped our diarist transition from a mindset of judgment to one of gratitude. “I have so much to appreciate and realize that life is truly very precious.”
He also reached a place of understanding about his goal of taking kung fu lessons, something that others did not support. “If I don’t, I may come to the end of my life and it will be too late.”
Kindred self-help spirits
As someone who is immensely fascinated with the field of self-help and personal development, I felt seen, understood, and validated by reading this stranger’s journal.
In the end, I had a new appreciation for our shared passion. I no longer felt strange for wanting to examine life deeply, for wanting to dig into what it means to be human and improve the way I show up in this world.
I want to leave you with one final quote from our diarist—my kindred self-help spirit—something that highlights the energy I will strive to embody in my own life moving forward.
When speaking of finishing college, he wrote, “And I never for a second doubted my ability to do it, nor cared what those around me had to say. This was my life and I was in charge, period.”
